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8th-Nov-2005 06:48 pm(no subject)
I can remember always liking girls but never vocalising it, I can remember looking up the word "lesbian" in my dictionary and trying to find other words that descibed what I was feeling. For a while it actually didn't enter my head that not all us girls felt the same way, that they didnt have these feelings they kept hidden. I came from a miltary background, both my parents and aunts had been in the Forces, my Dad still was, which is how come I ended up in Boarding School aged 9. It was here that another schoolgirl made a pass at me. I froze unable to do anything, but I wish she could know the pleasure she gave me in my dreams for years to come! :) I was 14.

I had boyfriends, some I really like, some not so good but I never felt they really "got" me, but having seen the way other peoples hetrosexual relationship were, I honestly thought it didnt get any better!

Anyway I joined the Army when I was 18 and rapidly made friends with a few lesbians, in retrospect I wanted them to turn around and tell me I was gay or at the very least have the decency to snog my face off, that didnt happen! I honestly believed there was something you had to do, something secret to be allowed in the "club", I didnt realise it was as simple as admitting it to yourself, why would they think I was gay? I had boyfriends. I even helped a close friend of mine move with her Girlfriend when the army discoverd she was gay and chucked them both out!they took me to a safe house full of lesbians that were still in the army, and the others commenting about her bringing me, I heard her say "yeah she's straight but she's ok" inside I was screaming NO I'M NOT STRAIGHT! still I didnt come out, I pushed it to the back of my mind and got very depressed and it was in this state, I met and slept with someone and got instantly pregnant, I left the Army and married this guy who I had known for 6 months, and actually seen about 3 times, what on earth was I doing?? no one could understand, I remember thinking to myself that he would be a good providor for me and the baby, I was 21.
By the time I learnt that he was a gambler and a chronic complusive liar and that I would be better off by myself, I hadnt slept with him for nearly 2 years, thats why don't drink much to this day!! I left him, I had a young child of 2 years old and 4 weeks after, I found out I was pregnant.

I was on my own raising the kids, very lonely but still not having truly come out to myself. I met a really nice guy and married him, I tried to tell him I was gay but he dismissed it. I let him and pushed it away again.

3 years later it wasnt going to be pushed away any more, it was coming into my mind more and more. I had joined a diving group ( no puns please!) and had become a sports diver, 2 new women joined the group and as soon as I saw them I realised they were gay, no I didnt have super duper extraordinary "gaydar" they were very butch and obviously a couple. I made damm sure I became friends with them.

To cut a long story short I had an affair with one of them, and over a period of 6 months gradually came out to myself, got very depressed, lost shed loads of weight and smoked way too much. I loved my husband I have no doubt on that, maybe not the way I love the women that have been in my life but I loved him all the same, he is a decent kind person and I truely did not want to hurt him but I did. In the end he asked me one afternoon after we had tried to make love and I just could not do it and ended up sobbing, he asked me straight there and then if I was gay and I turned to face him and said Yes, we both ended up sobbing, there followed one of the most miserable times of my life.

One day during all this my mother turns up at my house , I had just finished work and wasn't expecting her, I invited her in and she sat down, she came straight out with it, Are you having an affair, I took a deep breath and said yes, I knew she crowed, who is he?? I took another deep breath and said, its not a he, its a she. my mother was silent, I asked her if she wanted a cup of coffee, she nodded her head. By the time I got back to the room with her coffee, she wanted to meet her.

They met, they got on, she got on with all my family as did all my other partners after her. My grandmother was so funny, she was in her 80's, she died aged 97, she was fine with my preferance, all my family were. they have never said a negative thing about me being gay. In fact my parents and grandmother attended a committment cermony I had with my ex. I am lucky. I have regrets, I wish that I had come out sooner but I look at it this way, some people never manage to get where I am now, I am so glad that I have been able to lead the life I have wanted for the last 12 years. My kids have been ok about it, my ex husband is now my friend and we still see each other, he has re-married and has a beautiful young daughter. All is well. I am lucky.
8th-Nov-2005 11:21 am - and the story goes like this...
It started almost earlier than i can remember, if thats even possible. an avid sports fanatic, i was the girl playing football with the fellas, played t-ball early on, and bargained my way onto the BOYS baseball team because i did not want to settle for slow pitch. thats right, i was the only gal on the boys team. i always had felt like one of them. my hair was always short, i never ever wore girls clothes... always boys. boys made sense to me, i could relate.
I never had much interest in anyone throughout my growing years, i was just too darn focused on my sports. by the time it was about 4th or 5th grade, the girls in my school were starting to take an interest in boys. what about me? nah, it just didnt make sense.. holding hands, or worse, kissing? it wasnt possible. all of my guy friends were becoming twitter-pated in this relationship nonsense. whats worse, they started treating me like i was a girl. and i WASN'T in my mind. i was not at all. sexuality never played a part in my mind either. girls liking girls? nah, i felt it, i just never termed it that. so, trying desperately to fit in, i started to wear the girl clothes... attempt to take an interest in the guys... never giving up my softball ;-) (fastpitch that is)
around 8th grade... i met this wonderful girl. she was boy crazy, and i was beginning to get girl crazy. she was ultimately flirtatious, maybe not intentionally. but the way she looked, they way she smelled, they way she smiled... i was intoxicated. i was crazy! what was wrong with me?!?! i was supposed to like men! but it was her... i knew i was different... and i knew i would never be able to love her like i wanted to. it was useless... i was useless. i was done.
come 9th grade. i knew what i was... and i hated myself. i starved myself to sickness, began terrible psychiatric disorders, and ultimately tried to kill myself. no one would understand. no one would love me anymore. you just go thru that. it is the worst feeling... i was place in a mental hospital for awhile, where i remained silent. i was then released, and realized that the truth needed to come out, literally, and it needed to come out to my mom.
i was upstairs in the computer room, crying, i remember the rain outside. my mom entered, and asked what was wrong. i looked at her, through my tearing eyes, and told her... "mom, im gay"... she looked into me... it felt like her eyes, were searching deep within me... she took me in her arms, like a loving mother does, and held me... she told me "steph, gay straight, blue, yellow, alien or human, you are my daughter, and i will love you with every fiber of my being for the rest of eternity"... it suddenly made sense. my mom knew now, and she loved me, regardless. i can remember every detail of this night... and i will never forget how complete i felt within those few seconds.
sophmore year i came out to my friends and my school, mostly because i was in a relationship and silence wasnt the answer for me. my girlfriend (who is now my partner to this day) and i attended the sadie hawkins dance together, binding our love and showing others that regardless of orientation, love exists eternally within us, we just need to express it.
coming out has taught me many things. in this world, acceptance does not come free. silence does not solve anything. hate presents violence, which destroys. love promotes freedom, individuality and kindness. we must all recognize these as truths before we press on. to change the course of this country is not to remain silent, locked in a closet. the only way to reform folks is by educating them. what we must alwasy remember is that, yes, love IS blind, blind to preference, but is very much able to see the truth of its very own existance. if i had to give any advice, it would be this: be open about who you are, and who you love. for all we know, this one life is all we have, and if we wait until the end to be who we really are, it would never be worth it. and by being open, we educate, and those people being educated learn that we are loving beautiful human beings as well. by coming out, we pave the way to acceptance for those who come out in the future, because more and more will appreciate who we are by coming out.
peace and love to all,
7th-Nov-2005 06:09 pm - Coming out the closet
Hello, I'm Camille.

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And that's it.
7th-Nov-2005 08:13 pm - My Story
i always knew i was gay. i remember being 5 years old, looking into the bathroom mirror at my grandma's house. i was standing naked and examining my body. i looked down between my legs and became, like always, very dissappointed that i had not grown my penis yet. i thought for sure that i was suppose to be a boy. i liked everything that boys liked from G.I. Joe to boys clothing. i even liked girls. i didn't know the words lesbian and gay yet but i knew i was not like sally down the road.

over the next couple of years, i would live through all of my female friends having their first boyfriends as i stood by wondering why it wasn't i that they liked. i dreamed of holding hands with the girls around me and had mad crushes on my closest female friends. i never said anything at the time though because i knew i was different and didn't want anyone else to know. i felt happiest living in my fantasies and was terrified that i would get made fun of.

when i was in 7th grade, my first year at the high school, i played sports and had many friends. i was hanging out with one of my closest friends at the time (and still has a very special place in my life) when she started talking about our gym teacher. she described her as a lesbian and then made a statement that all women gym teachers where lesbians. lesbian? a person attracted to the same sex. /lezbee en/ n. homosexual woman sexually attracted and with sexual relations between women.

a las. i knew it. i was a lesbian! after that i was on a secret hunt to find more women like me. the only ones i could come up with was ellen degeneres and my gym teacher. i figured i would attempt to get my gym teacher to date me and if that failed, and my friend was wrong about her, then i would just have to grow up, find ellen and marry her.

that night, i sat up in my bed, hiding under my blanket with a flashlight, note book and a pencil. i spilled my heart out on that piece of paper giving my attempt everything i had. everything my little heart had felt about love and when i was finished writing, i folded my note up, wrote my gym teachers name on the outside of it in big red markered letters, added a heart and carried it to the window to bless it by wishing on a star.

the next morning, i walked nervously to gym class. when nobody was looking, i slipped the note under her office door and dissappeared into the crowd of students to play basketball. terrified, i watched as my teacher left the gym, entered her office, found and read the note and then returned to the gym. i watched her slip the note into her pocket and wastn't sure if that were a good sign or a bad one. after class, i dressed with the rest of the girls but when the bell rang i walked a little slower so that i could be the last person to leave. as i approached her door, she called my name and asked me if she could talk to me. i swallowed hard and entered the room. i still remember that exact moment perfectly. she was wearing a bright orange college sweatshirt, arms rolled up a bit, a pair of khacki shorts, white ankle socks and white tennis shoes. her long blonde hair was pulled back in a pony tail. she was leaning back far in her office chair and had her legs splayed far apart. she asked me to come in and shut the door. i did and as i turned back around to face her i noticed that she was holding my letter to her in her hand. i felt myself start to get more nervous and knew that my face was probably bright red. she held the note up and said "i got your letter. thank you. can i be expecting more?" stunned, i answered yes. the late bell then rang. she smiled at me and asked me if i would come back the next day. of course i agreed.

over the next couple of months, we grew closer and closer. i thought i was madly in love and wrote long notes every single night expressing my feelings to her. i knew i could never tell anyone because they wouldnt understand so our relationship was our little secret.

i was happier than i had ever been in my life up to that point. and then it happened. i went to school, delivered the letter, had a long talk with her, just like i always had and i made plans to meet with her once school let out for the day. i sat excited all day wondering what our meeting would bring today but when the 7th period bell rang, so did the phone in my class room. the person calling my class asked for the teacher to send me down to the principals office. once i arrived, i was sent into a room that contained the principal, the vice principal, the guidence counselor, a police officer, my mom, a close friend of the family, and my gym teacher. they sat me down and explained that someone had told them that i was having a relationship with my teacher. they said that they had proof and if i admitted it they would go easy on me but she would be fired immediately and would never teach again plus she would be all over the evening news. if i denied it, i would be counseled, would possibly get in big trouble for slander (apparently the person who told on us also said that i was the one who told them) and that i would possibly fail gym class and never be allowed to see or talk to my teacher again.

they asked me to step out of the office for a minute so that they could talk to her some more, and then they sent her home for the day. when i met with everybody again minutes later, i denied everything so that she didn't get fired. i knew i would never be allowed to talk to her again but i cared to much about her to let her get into trouble.

after the meeting i was sent home with my mom and her friend. on the drive home, my mom asked me if i was gay and told her for the first time "yes. i am a lesbian." her and her friend looked at each other and smiled and then we all drove to maryland for a weekend vacation.

when i returned to school the next day, the occurance had spread like wild fire. i was found out about and spent the rest of the high school days being shunned by everybody. i had about 3 friends over the next 5 years and 2 girlfriends whom decided to use me to experiment secretly.

i never saw my old teacher again after i left that school. still have those 3 friends, but we rarely talk and never kept in touch with my old girlfriends. since then, i have had many relationships with women, have lived openly in many gay communities and am currently an active participant in gay and lesbian youth counseling (when time allows) life couldn't be more perfect.

i will never forget my teacher or my ex girlfriends. they were my stepping stones...they led the path to my home. they helped me write the first chapters to the story of my life and laid the foundation to my future. although they are all long gone, a path isn't a path without those first few steps.
7th-Nov-2005 07:21 pm(no subject)
 Hey, I'm Daphne from Albany, NY.  I'll be 18 next month.  I saw this community in lesbian and thought it would be a great one to join, considering I just came out and all.  I was out as bi to my friends since middle school, but  I've since found out what I really want and how I really feel.  I'm graduating soon, so I thought I'd come out before then.  I wouldn't want to leave and not have people know the real me.  I'll post the full story sometime when I have more time and when my computer is not being a cunt, but to make a long story short for now,

I  had the same boyfriend for two and half years, since freshman year until last June... everything seemed to happen last June.  I met a girl and well, blah.  We're not together and never were, but she did make me realize that I had to stop living a lie.  My ex and his friends have been less than kind to me, but I suppose that's understandable.  It feels really shitty because I also came out to my mother, and she has little respect for me.  She goes so far as to make me wear a hat in the house since I got my hair cut.  I spent a while living at a friends house when I first came out, and I had to pay my sister to drive me places... it just sucks not even having my mother.

Okay, this is getting long and I told myself I wouldn't ramble.  If anyone wants to be LJ friends, feel free to add me!  I've been talking a lot about coming out lately, but it's mostly friends only.  I hope this community gets more people; it seems really awesome.
7th-Nov-2005 01:13 pm - Great Quotes
Everybody's journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality. ~James Baldwin

What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains. ~Tennessee Williams, A Streetcar Named Desire, 1947

Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. ~Author Unknown

I'm a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being... by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant. ~Paul Newman

For a long time I thought I wanted to be a nun. Then I realized that what I really wanted to be was a lesbian. ~Mabel Maney

The degree and kind of a man's sexuality reach up into the ultimate pinnacle of his spirit. ~Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, 1886

If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic." ~Shelly Roberts
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