Ok, so I will start from the begining of the whole thing which really takes me years before I actually came out. I did the "normal" kissing girls when I was in grade school and did a little materbation with other girls around that time but grew up with the idea that it was all to practice for boys because that is what girls do. How little I knew.
I had the first girl sex dream that I can remember in 7th or 8th grade and I decided to tell my step-mom, who was like a best friend of mine but she ended up telling my dad. That wasn't a big deal REALLY except then he would tell me that I was gay and needed to come out of the closet. He would see these boys I would bring home and ask me why I was dating gay boys. He thought he was being funny but I did have a penchent for girly boys. I didn't really know why.
I alwasy hung out with boys and was always just one of the guys to them...well thatis how I felt until they would want to sleep with me. I am going to now skip around as my teen years are jumbled from my misdeeds and whatnot. I realized I was in love with my best friend because when I looked at her I wanted to kiss her but I thought it was nothing and would never have dared to say a word because I think she would have freaked. I moved to a new town (I had actually been living with my mother at that time) to live with my dad. He kept saying that I should join drama cause that is where I would find people "like me". By this time I had dubbed myself as bi because I knew that I had sexual feelings for girls but couldn't give up the "normalcy" of boys. I was also insecure and felt like I could never find lesbians and straight guys were everywhere...turns out I just didn't want to be alone.
I live many years with the label of "bi". EVerytime that I was with a guy I would want women, think of them, and most times get the guys to dress in girls clothes and make up at least for a private showing. I would meet a girl that I liked and want to be with her, break up with whatever boy I was with but when that wouldn't work out I was back to that boy or any number of others. I "came out" many times in my life only to run back in the closet when I feared I would never find someone. I thought that it would be impossible to have a real relationship with a girl so I would just sleep with them.
I will go back though to my friend's 17th b-day party where I met the first girl that I ever REALLY feel for. It was at first sight and I have no idea what it was about her. We hung out all the time after that night but she wanted to stay single so I ended up dating another boy. After awhile she decided she did want a relationship with me so I broke it off with the boy. Only we weren't compatable in that way so we broke up I got back with the same boy but we continued to sleep together. I know that it was worng but I wanted her so much but knew that it could never really be.
It is not that I NEVER cared for my boys...some of them I did and still do but there was always that longing and draw to women. I never felt comfortable having sex with boys and it grossed me out (although I still did it). It always felt worng when the clothes came off.
Now fast forward to the present. I came out for the last time 3 or 4 months ago and couldn't be happier. I am ok if being gay means that I have to be alone but it hasn't been that way. Sex feels completely right...it is fabulous. I feel freer. I am 24 and just now decided to be really honest with myself. I told everyone I knew immediately and long time friends were like "duh, glad u figured it out". I was shocked...was it really that obvious to every one but me? Did the jocks that called me a dyke in high school in "the know" while I was in the shadows? I laugh when I look back at my life and see that it was obvious but fear kept me locked in an unhappy cycle. My family has been very accepting and I am grateful for that (although damn my dad for being right all along...lol). My grandma on my mom's side knows and is a bit weirded out but I guess she saw it coming. All I know is that is is good to be me for a change...it is just too bad that I wastd all those years in a lie...