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How I FINALLY came out... 
9th-Nov-2005 07:43 pm

Ok, so I will start from the begining of the whole thing which really takes me years before I actually came out.  I did the "normal" kissing girls when I was in grade school and did a little materbation with other girls around that time but grew up with the idea that it was all to practice for boys because that is what girls do.  How little I knew.

I had the first girl sex dream that I can remember in 7th or 8th grade and I decided to tell my step-mom, who was like a best friend of mine but she ended up telling my dad.  That wasn't a big deal REALLY except then he would tell me that I was gay and needed to come out of the closet.  He would see these boys I would bring home and ask me why I was dating gay boys.  He thought he was being funny but I did have a penchent for girly boys.  I didn't really know why.

I alwasy hung out with boys and was always just one of the guys to them...well thatis how I felt until they would want to sleep with me.  I am going to now skip around as my teen years are jumbled from my misdeeds and whatnot.  I realized I was in love with my best friend because when I looked at her I wanted to kiss her but I thought it was nothing and would never have dared to say a word because I think she would have freaked.  I moved to a new town (I had actually been living with my mother at that time) to live with my dad.  He kept saying that I should join drama cause that is where I would find people "like me".  By this time I had dubbed myself as bi because I knew that I had sexual feelings for girls but couldn't give up the "normalcy" of boys.  I was also insecure and felt like I could never find lesbians and straight guys were everywhere...turns out I just didn't want to be alone.

I live many years with the label of "bi".  EVerytime that I was with a guy I would want women, think of them, and most times get the guys to dress in girls clothes and make up at least for a private showing.  I would meet a girl that I liked and want to be with her, break up with whatever boy I was with but when that wouldn't work out I was back to that boy or any number of others.  I "came out" many times in my life only to run back in the closet when I feared I would never find someone.  I thought that it would be impossible to have a real relationship with a girl so I would just sleep with them.

I will go back though to my friend's 17th b-day party where I met the first girl that I ever REALLY feel for.  It was at first sight and I have no idea what it was about her.  We hung out all the time after that night but she wanted to stay single so I ended up dating another boy.  After awhile she decided she did want a relationship with me so I broke it off with the boy.  Only we weren't compatable in that way so we broke up I got back with the same boy but we continued to sleep together.  I know that it was worng but I wanted her so much but knew that it could never really be.

It is not that I NEVER cared for my boys...some of them I did and still do but there was always that longing and draw to women.  I never felt comfortable having sex with boys and it grossed me out (although I still did it).  It always felt worng when the clothes came off.

Now fast forward to the present.  I came out for the last time 3 or 4 months ago and couldn't be happier.  I am ok if being gay means that I have to be alone but it hasn't been that way.  Sex feels completely right...it is fabulous.  I feel freer.  I am 24 and just now decided to be really honest with myself.  I told everyone I knew immediately and long time friends were like "duh, glad u figured it out".  I was shocked...was it really that obvious to every one but me?  Did the jocks that called me a dyke in high school in "the know" while I was in the shadows?  I laugh when I look back at my life and see that it was obvious but fear kept me locked in an unhappy cycle.  My family has been very accepting and I am grateful for that (although damn my dad for being right all along...lol).  My grandma on my mom's side knows and is a bit weirded out but I guess she saw it coming.  All I know is that is is good to be me for a change...it is just too bad that I wastd all those years in a lie...

30th-Jan-2006 05:19 pm (UTC)
I don't know how I missed this post. I'm so glad you posted it. I get the same feeling about my life looking back at the years I wasted living a lie. Bravo to you!
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